Monday, April 07, 2014

You Greedy, Rapacious, Bastards

MLB goes through over 113000 balls per season. Each ball lasts about six pitches. These things are not special. Sit down, all of you, have some dignity, and let the little kid have a goddamn ball.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Click on Something Good Today

Here is Creighton Connor. He posts videos of his original material. Nobody watches. Which is sad because he's excellent. And in world filled with endless half-wits recording their every useless utterance, excellence can be hard to find. You can listen to isolated audio on his Soundcloud page.

If you're a struggling actor looking to make a comeback, or if you're a local e-weekly giving interview time and space to racists and hate mongers, just stop. Stop what you're doing until you suck less. Right now you suck way more than Creighton Conner. Until you're at least this good at what you do, stop. Just because people will pay to have you shit on them doesn't mean you have to.

Friday, March 14, 2014

When in Doubt, Run it Out. Or not.

If you're going to climb on gear you bought at Willi Unsoeld's 1971 garage sale, maybe make sure you aren't gripped and pumped out before you head up and run it out. Especially if you're teaching. Maybe a helmet too.

Second thought; how is this an artificial wall? I think there must be a translation problem. If not, awesome fake wall.

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

This Little Light Of Mine, I'm Gonna Let It Shine on a Hateful Homophobe!

I wish he were simply a Poe, but that would require ignoring the rest of his semi-articulate oeuvre.  Reminds me of Ezekiel 23:20. Except that his issue is videos and not semen. But he is a jackass.

I guess I will use the retort best afforded me by virtue of Youtube and laziness. Cue the cliché!

Citizen Journalism At Its Finest

It's a shame the Canadian Pizza Reviewer has gone silent. I was honestly looking forward to all 170 reviews. Anyone who puts that much thought into pizza reviews should be listened to.

Heck, anyone who puts that much effort into a pizza review spreadsheet should be adulated.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Brain Game - Name the Song From the Vaguely Related Pictures

Here is some iconography from the second verse of a #2 hit from sometime in the 70's. First to guess gets a brand new bicycle. Or a brand new pair of roller skates. You'll have to supply your own key.


There you go. Literally the easiest thing you will do today. Operators are standing by.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When You Get The Right Combination of Cheese...Magic Happens

Lee Hazlewood Lives Again in the Music of Brett Sparks

"Far From Any Home" by the Handsome Family provides the perfect emotional base for the start of True Detective. Does it remind you of anything? If the commenter claiming to be Brett Sparks is right, it contains a tiny sliver of homage to "Summer Wine" by Lee Hazlewood and Nancy Sinatra.


Here's another from Nancy and Lee. Not in the same vein, but certainly haunting in it's own right. It's no wonder Art Bell used it for years as his signature bumper music.


Lee is going to tell you about Phaedra. True Detective wants to tell you about The Yellow King and Carcos. It's almost like reading still has value.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Men's Figure Skating -- Trapped by Stereotypes

Men's figure skating, which should just be called Skating, Mens, is trapped by it design sense. These old Russian woman and bitter old French men who seem to run the sport have trapped the athletes in one of two stereotypes:

The wounded/painted/ethereal bird/dove/butterfly:

The other is the 20s gangster/dancer:

There are some pirates, but only the French guys do that. Otherwise it's all butterflies and wise guys. C'mon Olga, freshen things up a bit.

Olympic Musing As Pointless and Irrelevant as Any Mainstream Rag

Shameless cribbed from my e-mail and texts, because content is king, and I am a pauper. The smart people are in red.

Two Olympic ovals, coaches, therapists and psychologists out the ass, and all we have so far is one lousy medal? Time to pull the funding from speed skating. Alright, keep short track.

Maybe they should add some moguls to the ice and a couple of jumps to do some tricks. We would crush that sport.

Absolutely. More new and goofy sports that don't have a century of European club talent behind them.

 Even better, bring the Red Bull event where hockey players skate downhill on a course roller derby style. Or, let's just combine the red bull evnets and x games and call it the new Olympics. Would have more underemployed dudes than most poor countries where they look for food rather than working on mctwists.

Holy. Hell. That is a fantastic idea. I was wondering why they don't skate down the luge track, but your idea is much better.

 I like your thinking. Keep the red bull track for the "skater cross" event and then use the luge for a "pursuit" speed event using speed skates. For fun add rifles and make it like biathlon only you can frag your competitor. Single shot rifles so you only get one crack at it.

How about a Temple of Doom boulder to chase the slower competitors? Set it at fastest speed plus 10%.

 Eventually they will figure out how to make bobsleigh, luge, and speed skating more slope style (albeit dulling the blades) or half pipe.
I like the boulder idea a lot. For cross country what about releasing some hounds/guard dogs?

Think Olympics and "hunger games" and how you would alter events...

So, in the pairs, the 3rd place team fell twice and missed and element. Got a medal. The apologists say that we can't understand the scoring system 'cause we're dumb, and that failing a big jump is better than landing an easier jump.

Italian man just fell on on a quad salchow and got punished. Shouldn't he get big points for trying the hardest possible jump? Or just when you're German and a former world champion?

That is because you don't understand class systems. Those of lesser breeding need to have "character score" adjustments otherwise order will be destroyed and anyone would have a chance to win.

Really? I think I wrote exactly that.

But that is exactly why skating belongs with cooking and painting in the art Olympics.


Skating judging? Turns out economists are all over it. Should have known.

 Nice to know that while the US economy crumbles, economists are working on the hard problems... optimal scoring systems for judged events americans watch once every four years... if an american is contending...

He does work at Dartmouth. It's not like he's even aware there are economic problems, other than in theory.

Friday, January 03, 2014

Something Cool For Cold Weather

A little something cool to start the year, before all the crap sets in.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Folks, Phil Robertson Has Been A Religious Asshole For Years

It's no surprise that duck-call guy Phil Robertson is in trouble for his asinine views on homosexuality and sin. Phil is one of those evangelicals who is using his beliefs in myth as a bulwark against his own (perceived) sinful predilections. In other words, too weak to change himself, he had to resort to religion to prop him up. And, like many born-again Christians who come from the ranks of addicts and alcoholics, he goes as far in the direction of religious purity as he believes he did into sin. In other words, a right bore.

He lies about history as well. I use the word lie as the man has a post-graduate degree in education and knows how to research. He also knows how to quote mine.

Monday, December 09, 2013

Forgotten Christmas Classics

Some song do not get enough play over the Christmas season. It's time to start the War on Christmas...songs that are overplayed. 

Lastly, the greatest, bar-none, Christmas song of all time. Honky the Christmas Goose as sung by 4-time Stanley Cup  and two-time Vezina Trophie winner, legendary Hall of Fame goaltender Johnny Bower.

Bower's courage in net was legendary, but fear of being hit in the face with a frozen puck pales in comparison to the fear of singing, and potentially failing, in front of a live audience. Not Johnny Bower. He still has the chops.

If for some reason you think there is a better, seldom-heard song, do leave your futile comment in the comment box. But ask yourself first, "Is it better than Honky the Christmas Goose?"

Thursday, December 05, 2013

The Triumph of Narcissism Over Shame...Over Dignity

Of course, you're reading this on a blog, the original narcissistic vehicle, so I can be justifiably ignored.

Monday, December 02, 2013

Frankie McDowell, Weather You Can Trust

Frankie called it. Here is his weather report from last Wednesday:

Like I said, Frankie called it. Here is today's weather in Calgary, Alberta, on Monday.......December....2, twothousandandthirteen:

An intense winter storm which began in northwestern Alberta on Saturday will continue to affect most of central and southern Alberta through Tuesday.
"Snow moved into west central Alberta Sunday afternoon and continued to spread into southern regions overnight," says Environment Canada in their weather warning Monday morning. "15 to 30 centimetres of snow is expected to fall in most areas by Tuesday morning."

In addition to the heavy snow, strong northerly winds are expected to develop Monday resulting in reduced visibilities and blowing snow over open areas and along major highways.
"The worst conditions are expected near and along a line from Red Deer through Strathmore and south towards Lethbridge with northerly winds becoming as strong as 50 gusting to 80 km/h and visibilities near zero at times," EC warns.
"If it's possible for you, don't leave your house today," says Weather Network meteorologist Monica Vaswani.
Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi also tweeted a request to allow people to work from home during the storm.

Drink your tea Albertans. Drink your tea.

Monday, November 04, 2013

Derrick O'Toole Gets London

Local cinematographer and story-teller Derrick O'Toole understands the existential horror that comes with fall in Southwestern Ontario, when the sky is full of clouds, and the fields are ripe with decay.

Plateau outside London from Derrick O'Toole on Vimeo.

Derrick tries to soft-sell this look into the cavernous maw of horror that is London, but in the end, we all know the truth.
A nature filled adventure out of my home in London Ontario Canada. This is the most colourful time of the year and when I went home for a weekend I was greeted with the most amazing death dance from the forests.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Words Put To Music Are Worth, Like, A Thousand Words (Metric)

I was going to try and wax eloquent about Death, about their unlikely musical prescience, and what a revelation it was first listening to them, but better you do it yourself.

Death was a band formed in Detroit in 1971. Their sound predated so much of the punk sound and so much of what we've been listening to since that it seems impossible that their demo tape wasn't passed around as a "how-to" to aspiring acts.

The changes in tempo, in style, and the operatic nature of the songs on this early recording belie the fact that this was a demo made by teenagers.


Here is the New York Times article that put them back in the spotlight.

The surviving brothers continue to play and do perform as Death from time to time.

Day late and a dollar short, but there is a documentary about them too.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Not All Things Foul and Gangrenous, But One For Sure

From time to time it is well worth remembering that not all things foul and rancid come from this side of the ocean. For too long has Britain larked about, waving BAFTAs in the air and giggling though its nose about about its entertainment superiority.

No longer.

The one bright light in that cloud of piss is, of course, Haley Mills.

Question: What do you get when you cross Haley Mills with Maurice Chevalier?

Answer: Magic.

Enjoy it.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

It's a slide, an inexorable slide.

Because slides are more fun than descents. The result is the same, but hopefully the trip is different.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Like You Needed A Reason To Go To Simcoe

Grab your thickest, pinkest Hi-Liter, look for Oct. 8 on your calendar, and circle the bejeezus out of that day, because Jimmy, we're goin' on a date.

Not just any, run-o-the-mill, dinner, dancing, feel-copping date. Nope. A date which will transport us back in time and simultaneously into heaven. Not possible you say? Pshaw say I, not when our destination is THE GREATEST ROCK CONCERT EVER ANYWHERE.

Sail Rock is coming to the Norfolk County Fair & Horse Show.

Legends of music, for only $25 per denim-clad butt. A deal at half the price.

Here are some of the performers you will see this coming Tuesday (note: performers are older than appear in videos)

Robbie Dupree

Gary Wright

John Ford Coley


And to close the show, the multi-award winning mega star, Christopher Cross.

So head south of Brantford and when you hit the junction of highway 3 and 24, just follow the line of people with stars in their eyes and songs in their hearts.

Writing that last line actually caused some weird pain in my chest.

We All Confuse Fame With Success*

One of the reputed benefits of the internet is said to be that it can give a voice and exposure to those who's talent might otherwise go unnoticed.

As a voice trying to go unnoticed, I think it behooves me to promote those trying to escape the barrel of lobsters. I think we all benefit from hearing fresh points of view and seeing fresh takes on our culture.

Slagarcrue85 bemoans the fact that he has been posting videos for over 7 years (over 500 of them) to tepid response. Tell me 'bout it brother. So let's learn about Slagarcrue85 in today's "Meet the Unknown Celebrity".

Hello I'm slagar the cruel 85. Slagar is one of the best one of a very few handicaped slash disable villians that was in redwall prior to brian Jacques passing. several months back. After the completion of Rogues Crew. Slagar has half his face destroyed by the venom from the dread snake asamodue who attacked him after he fleed the abbey and killed on of itrs resident old methusila in the process . 6 months after I was born I got autism was diagonsed 18 years ago. at age 8

Slagarcrue85 is a culture-devouring monster. Movies, tv, comics, video games, and Pokemon; he reviews them all. Especially Pokemon. Slagar loves him some Pokemon. It's almost upsetting, but at least he cares.

*Erma Bombeck

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Finally, Some Sexism For Fans of Tennis

Don't you just hate how gender-neutral pro tennis has become? All the men and women seem to blend into one giant grey blob of sexually-amorphous groundstrokes.

Thanks to the Black Spiders, we can journey back to the golden days of yesteryear, when players like Margaret Court-Smith were adored, not for their swings, but for how they swung their hips.

This video is probably NSFW. According to one Youtube commenter, it contains "Boobs, asses, and some bearded tattooed dudes doing weird shit".  This review is literally true.

Honestly, has their ever been a more natural meeting of sport and musics style?

Tennis is so rock 'n roll.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Sweet Home...Indiana!

Ontario PC MPP Monte Solberg thinks we need to be more like Indiana. According to Monte, he met a legislator from Indiana who said "Monte, whatever you guys are doing in Ontario, continue doing it. Because every singe day there is a company from Ontario looking to move to our state." According to the anonymous legislator, Ontario has outdated labour laws, and our electricity is too expensive.

Would you buy a used province from this man?

I think copying Indiana is a fantastic idea. True prosperity and global competitiveness can come to Ontario, but only if and when we cut our median family income by 33% percent to get it in line with Indiana's.  Just like Indiana, we need to eliminate labour unions, and get people back to work. A lower wage job is better than no job, right? Let's forget the nonsense of supposed drops in union membership, and the fact that unions protect more women than men, they need to be phased out so that everyone can have a job that pays a salary decided on by the employer. It's math people. And freedom! Look at Indiana, they have an unemployment rate, 8.2%, that is 82% lower than Ontario! Why, by ensuring that workers have the freedom to negotiate with employers on a one-to-one basis without "big daddy union" breathing down their necks, insisting on "concessions".

Need more hope? Look to Gary, Indiana.

Municipal gov. administration building in Gary, Indiana that is showing a profit by growing wheat and barley on its grounds.

 Unlike Ontario's moribund cities, Gary is expanding its city to more than 50% of its previous boundaries just to have more room for their money--money flooding into the city from eager employers looking to cash in on Indiana's booming and recession-proof economy.

Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana, my new home sweet home.