Things I Didn't See In Germany

Hi Dick, it's a snappy tune with a great beat. I can twerk* to it. I give it an 89!

*Twerking is a thing right? Sounds like it would hurt my hips.

Spot the Parody. It's All Parody

Have you ever read Dashiell Hammett? If you are very old, and read him when you were young, I envy you. Reading "The Maltese Falcon" now is an exercise in mental control. Every page reads like a parody. You think to yourself, "Wow, this is some cornball comedy". The mental control comes in because you have to remind yourself that this is part of the noir source material. This is the stuff that created "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" and countless other homages and derivative works.

It's much the same for lounge singers. The gag has been beaten to death, so much so that it's hard to tell when it's a joke, or it's a serious treatment.

For (what I assume is) unintended parody, it's nearly impossible to beat Neil Diamond's 1992 Christmas Special. I think Will Ferrell owes Neil some royalties for every "cheesy singer" bit he ever did on SNL as he's just doing Neil.

Happy, And Peppy, And Bursting With Love!

You just can't improve Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun". As a paean to misery and suffering and hurt, it really does a standout job. And if you were living with 15 burnouts in a house in Whistler and criminally short of money for food, this song really hit the spot when it came out.

But times change, and things can be improved upon. Here is Black Hole Sun performed by Moog Cookbook and heard as part of the background music in Tokyo Disneyland's Tomorrowland.

There is a reasonable Paul Anka version, but it just isn't happy and peppy enough. But, it is filled with love.

Tommy Haas, The Story of the Year

Unless something dramatic happens, Tommy Haas is THE tennis story of the year. Yes, the bar is a bit low, but what Haas is doing on the court now is worthy of note and praise.

Some Things You Can See In Western Germany

Because It's Always Time For Klezmer!

Still Waiting on the Crazy Train

Maybe I grew up in too much crazy, or maybe I'm just too damn lazy, because I seem to have missed that middle-aged manic thing. That is unless I'm going to live to be 100 and then I've a few years to wait.

I  figure it can go two ways. There's the Mosquito Coast option of guy gets sick and tired of life and takes his whole family to the jungle to rediscover life.

Then there's the Swiss Family Robinson option of guy gets sick and tired of Europe and ends up castaway with his family on an island that is so perfect, you'd swear it's a movie set.

I guess it could be worse. I could end up ranting about fruit and peels.

Yeah, no chance of that happening.

If You're Making a Man, With Blonde Hair and a Tan...

It's good to keep in mind that your obsession might be a little more out of control than you want to admit. I know you think it's a great idea. Sure, the kids will love it, the wife will be impressed with your drive and determination, and all that crap you take at work, well, you'll show 'em. Nobody's going to stop you from whatever the hell it is you've imprinted on.

 
But, take a moment. Take a look in the mirror. If you look like Klaus Kinski in Fitzcarraldo,  you might be tempting the fates to kick your sorry ass back to rubber duckie collecting.

Look, all I'm saying is don't work too hard. It's hot out there. And if everyone thinks you're wrong, you might not be a genius. Just sayin'.

The Internet is a Vast and Wacky Place

I mean really, skates? And can frogs even read?

I like to imagine this is turn of the century punditry. Turn of the 17th century. When they had the 24 month news cycle.

I Respectfully Disagree

This one is from a site called "Silly Frog Images". I prefer to think of them as distinguished.

Thank You Weirdos, I Mean, Shine On You Crazy Diamonds

I'm glad there are people who make crazy things. I'm glad I didn't have to suffer for their mania, but the world is such an interesting place thanks to obsessive personalities.

Sometimes an obsession can lead to something small, beautiful, and innocuous. Like this grain of rice by artist Andrew Rykovano.

Sometimes you end up with giant castles full of crazy.

And, sometimes, you just end up with a huge collection of rubber ducks.

Funny old world.

How To Make Walking the Dog More Fun

It's the train whistle you hear when you get off the ferry. It's the whomp and whoosh of the monorails. Maybe it's the wolf howl from the Haunted Mansion, or the voice calling Tom Morrow to a space call he never takes. Something about the sound of Disney parks gets into your head and won't let go. I think it's the special care they take to ensure that the music matches the area and that the transitions are never jarring. The Disney sounds can be a visceral experience akin to smelling some creosote-soaked wood and being immediately transported back the the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Walt Disney World audio fans should be over the moon that the Window to the Magic podcast will now feature WDW on alternating weeks. Here is the first show. Not only is it a whopper, it never goes inside the parks. You'll ride the Express Monorail, the monorail to EPCOT, and the ferry to the gates of the Magic Kingdom. And you'll love it. This is some fantastically clean audio that requires headphones. If you haven't experienced binaural audio, you are in for a treat.

Another podcaster providing great binaural recordings of WDW is Lou from WDW Memories. Like Paul Barrie, Lou let's the attraction and the ambiance do the work and doesn't add extraneous commentary. It's like a staycation in your head.

Disney audio, it's a specific niche, and I'm glad it exists. Plus, it takes up less room than a giant ball of tin foil, so it's got that going for it in terms of manias. Thank you internet.

Hats Could Be Bigger

Clearly We're Not Clear

It's hats on frogs, not frog hats. Anybody and everybody does frog hats.

One of the joys of going to Walt Disney World, is sitting and soaking up the ambiance.  Everywhere in the park, everywhere in the shopping areas, everywhere in the hotels and resorts, there is music. And there are people. Sometimes it's nice to sit on a bench, rest your dogs, and watch the world go by. 

Amazingly, the folks at WDWinfo.com, have made a whole series of videos from benches around the World.

 

And just give this post a real Disney feel, here's your exit.

The New "All Frogs in Hats" Format is Genius!

...Said nobody ever.

It's Only A Test, But It Is A Test

When I say the name Kurt Wagner, what comes to mind?

This Kurt Wagner?

Or this one?

If by chance this one came to mind, then check your spelling.

I think we all know how your initial reaction reflects upon you as a person and upon your (poor) life choices, so I won't belabour it with an explanation.

Those Adorable Kids and Their Lemonade Stand

Too bad they have no idea what lemonade is and are actually selling their own urine. Hey, what's the difference; it's yellow, it's cold (after you put it on ice), and it's what they're selling. They don't know any better, so cut them some slack already.

From the best jr. high school newspaper redesigned as a fancy website in town, the Landmark Report, comes this glowing and highly accurate obit for Margaret Thatcher.

Lady Thatcher was the first and only woman to become Prime Minister of Britain, and still remains a divisive figure in politics to this day. Her crowning achievement was her work towards defeating the Soviet Union, alongside U.S. president Ronald Reagan, as well as rescuing her own country from the bring of economic disaster following 35 years of socialist rule.
When Thatcher was elected Prime Minister in May of 1979, Britain’s economy was heading toward a cliff after being plagued by inflation and numerous budgetary deficits for some time. Her principled, conservative approach to governance rebuilt and strengthened the country’s conservative movement, instilling values of liberty and freedom that still live among Britain’s citizenry today.

 Why does principled conservatism always mean lying for your principles?

 We will, as we should, let the great artists have the final (and prophetic) word.

It Really Is A Big Hairy Deal

Lost in the morass that is every other sport that ranks higher than tennis in attention-getting is tennis not getting the attention it should be.

Canada has advanced to the world semi-finals of Davis Cup play for the FIRST TIME EVER. It's a shame nobody watched it as there was some fantastic tennis played in their quarter-final against Italy. But, baseball is on free previews and basketball something something and golf and, of course, hockey. What sports fans missed was a team consisting of our greatest player ever in Daniel Nestor, the guy who might be the next greatest ever (Raonic) and a young kid who hits his serves at 200kmh in Pospisil. This is a great team. Simply put, we have never had a stronger team at any point in the Open era. I don't think any team pre-1968 can compare, but I guess we can argue about that.

I kid. Like anyone has any idea who played for Canada pre-1968 other than me and somebody else equally boring.

Give a cheer for the old maple leaf. Here's how you do it:

(Darryl Dyck/Canadian Press)

Need To Unlearn Dumb Things? There's a Podcast For That

Brian Dunning, from Skeptoid.com, has taken on the thankless task of disavowing us all of our preconceived notions, and attachments to ridiculous concepts and silly conspiracies. Whether you fear Aspartame, still cling to the notion that aliens have visited the earth, or just need a swift kick into reality, give the Skeptoid podcast as listen. Produced in bite-sized chunks of 10-15 minutes, Skeptoid is a nice dose of truth in a world full of bullshitters trying to sell us something.

It's Like Looking In A Mirror, Except I'm Fatter

Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

There's a Lesson In Here Somewhere

The Dread Pirate Roberts:

It is revealed during the course of the story that Roberts is not one man, but a series of individuals who periodically pass the name and reputation to a chosen successor. Everyone except the successor and the former Roberts is then released at a convenient port, and a new crew is hired. The former Roberts stays aboard as first mate, referring to his successor as "Captain Roberts", and thereby establishing the new Roberts' persona. After the crew is convinced, the former Roberts leaves the ship and retires on his earnings.


Now, wherever you see the name Dread Pirate Roberts, replace it with Jim Dandy.

You know, you'd think someone familiar with marketing would understand branding. Like Betty Crocker, Victoria Secret, Santa Claus, there's no one person in charge. There's no home base, there's nobody in the suit. This blog has never been a one-person affair, just one brand, and a terrible one at that.

It's an outlet, an art project, an ejaculation, that nobody but you reads.And if you think we are referring to you in the personal sense, then give your head a shake.

Peace, Goodwill, and Piggies

Some people are on a comment rampage today. Bad piggie. No slandering people here on this blog. Bad piggie.

Anyway, it's Easter, or more correctly Eostre. "Eostre is a corruption of Astarte, the mother goddess of the ancient Assyrians, also known as Ishtar. Eostre was the goddess of rebirth, and in early times the feast of Eostre, around the time of the spring equinox, celebrated earth’s resurrection and rebirth."

So what better time for an Eostre Dance Party than Eostre? It's a trick question. The answer is Tuesday.

Here's Primus showing those Harlem Shuffle wannabes how group dances are really done. 

The Unspoken Tragedy of Rob Ford's Drinking

It has been well-reported the Rob Ford, Mayor of Hogtown, might have a drinking problem. He might have been kicked out of a charity ball, he might have groped some women, and he might have made some indecent proposals too. He definitely got drunk at a Leafs' game and certainly looks the part of a fat alcoholic.

But the real tragedy, the really sad thing, is what nobody is talking about. From the Toronto Star:

Ford has a small, intensely loyal staff that is concerned for his well being. His behaviour, including a habit of purchasing mickeys of Russian Prince Vodka at LCBOs (photographs have surfaced on Twitter) has been a constant source of irritation.

Russian Prince Vodka? Folks, Toronto is not paying its Mayor enough if he is drinking Russian Prince Vodka. And his staff should be more irritated that he isn't drinking something that won't instantly kill the flora in his gut.

Honestly, there isn't enough mix in the world to make this literal rot-gut go down smoothly. Of course, if Rob is the alcoholic I hope he is, he isn't mixing. Mixing is for amateurs.

If you know someone on his staff, please tell them to get him some better vodka. Almost anything not labelled "rubbing alcohol" or "not for internal use" would be a better choice.

He's going to drink right now. Shouldn't he at least drink something that won't burn a hole in his stomach? Can't we want that much for the man?