Friday Word Fun

At my local A&P they have little signs that the staff put on the belt when a till is unmanned. I am obssessed by these signs because the word nerd in me finds them preposterous. They read as such:

Another cashier will be only too pleased to help you.

Another cashier will be only too pleased? And that superlative is followed by another--too pleased. Arrggh! Is that a corporate mandate? "You will be too pleased to help someone". How do you tell if someone is just pleased, and not too pleased? Can you be too pleased and not come off like a Zoloft-taking madman?

And people say I don't have any hobbies. Hah! Raging against the dying of the light is my fulltime hobby. And it's cheap too.

Why Do Christians Mourn Death?

Three of my staff are off this week due to deaths in the family. All three are devout Christians. All three were very sad. All three deaths were seniors who had been sick and in pain for months, and some cases, years.

So my question, which I ask you and not my grieving friends, is: Why be upset about the passing of your uncle/aunt/cousin? They lived in pain, with no quality of life, for at least the past year. And according to your faith, they have gone on to eternal paradise. Let me say that again, they have gone to ETERNAL PARADISE. Why are you not celebrating the ascension of one of your loved ones? Why be sad? You will join them one day in...ETERNAL PARADISE. So why not have party - they hit the fucking lotto. They passed from a brief and brutish life to AN ETERNITY IN PARADISE. I'd order clowns, balloons and a pony, if I believed that hokum. Sure, you are deprived of their presence for a few years, but in comparison to ETERNITY, then it is merely the length of a sneeze.

I admit to not understanding the cult of death found in Christians, as the eternal soul is well and gone on to its final reward. You would think that only atheists would have need of funerals and cemetaries, as we know that dead and gone is just that. And we mourn the passing of someone as we know their essence is gone from the universe. Now that is something about which to be sad.

So cheer up Christians (and Muslims). Crack a cold one and toast your mighty sky god and his rapidly overcrowding paradise.

Why Do Albertans Hate Morals and Values?

Wherein we link to the Canadian Cynic who asks the valid question, "Where did all the Conservatives go?" My personal metric for this type of behaviour is, do I know anyone who would act this way? Do I know anyone who could be Wolfowitz, his girlfriend, or someone who blindly supports someone else based on ideology. The answer is obviously no. And it is for you too I would guess, regardless of your political or religious persuasions. Are we left with the idea that only the corrupt and the weak-of-principle work in government? And yes, I do know that there are principled people in government, it is just that none of my friends or acquaintances are under investigation. Of course it could be that we all suck and only our anonymity keeps us free of prosecution.

Rock-And-Ice Commentary

From the weekley Tuesday Night Bouldering e-mail from Rock and Ice comes this pithy commentary:

Cheating At Life

"Though you are reading this five days after the fact, as I sit here writing this installment of TNB E-blast, it is two days before I get my eyes fried with laser beams.

What? Is this some kind of humorless James Bond joke? I assure you, having laser beams scorching your eyes is not funny. What is funny, however, is that I am exercising some modicum of free will and choosing to get the hot fire shot into the eyeballs. Doctors call it “elective” surgery. I call it unexplainable.

Whatever would possess a person to alter their body for no reason is less explainable than why people mixed climbing is cool or that Paris Hilton is hot. Some things are better not to know.

But still, surgeries are really in vogue these days, just like denim manpri jeans, which I saw on some climbers this weekend. (“Are they gay?” I asked my friend. “No,” she said. “They’re Canadian.”) We’ve completely stepped outside basic the evolutionary circle, and now, we can exist forever in these manufactured bionic worlds. My landlord just got hip surgery all hoping that with his newfound mobility he’ll be able to climb 5.14 again.

It’s weird to think about, but, considering how bad my eyesight is, I should be dead. If I had to find my own food and escape predators, I would run ten feet, trip over the giant tree I couldn’t see, and be eaten alive. My landlord should in a wheelchair. Instead, I get to see and he gets to hike 5.13s. Are we cheating at life?

I don’t like the idea that I’m cheating, so I intend to treat eye surgery just like knee pads … and make something up that justifies cheating to myself. This is an important skill to know, one that is currently being perfected by the baby boomer generation that is justifying any number of things to themselves—spending all their money second homes among many other frivolous commodities while simultaneously believing they’re environmental stewards because they own two or three hybrid cars.

Right. I need eye surgery. And you need whatever it is that you want. Let’s just get it over with …

Though you are reading this five days after the fact, as I sit here writing this installment of TNB E-blast, it is two days before I get my eyes fried with laser beams.

What? Is this some kind of humorless James Bond joke? I assure you, having laser beams scorching your eyes is not funny. What is funny, however, is that I am exercising some modicum of free will and choosing to get the hot fire shot into the eyeballs. Doctors call it “elective” surgery. I call it unexplainable.

Whatever would possess a person to alter their body for no reason is less explainable than why people mixed climbing is cool or that Paris Hilton is hot. Some things are better not to know.

But still, surgeries are really in vogue these days, just like denim manpri jeans, which I saw on some climbers this weekend. (“Are they gay?” I asked my friend. “No,” she said. “They’re Canadian.”) We’ve completely stepped outside basic the evolutionary circle, and now, we can exist forever in these manufactured bionic worlds. My landlord just got hip surgery all hoping that with his newfound mobility he’ll be able to climb 5.14 again.

It’s weird to think about, but, considering how bad my eyesight is, I should be dead. If I had to find my own food and escape predators, I would run ten feet, trip over the giant tree I couldn’t see, and be eaten alive. My landlord should in a wheelchair. Instead, I get to see and he gets to hike 5.13s. Are we cheating at life?

I don’t like the idea that I’m cheating, so I intend to treat eye surgery just like knee pads … and make something up that justifies cheating to myself. This is an important skill to know, one that is currently being perfected by the baby boomer generation that is justifying any number of things to themselves—spending all their money second homes among many other frivolous commodities while simultaneously believing they’re environmental stewards because they own two or three hybrid cars.

Right. I need eye surgery. And you need whatever it is that you want. Let’s just get it over with …"

Yeah, I will take any chance I get to slam yuppies. Thanks for clogging up life.

Sucks To Be You (not you,him)

On Saturday night, the last great fisticuffs battel~! ever, took place in Las Vegas. HBO aired this mighty contest, which might turn out to be the richest pay-per-view of all time. So, you'd think that the CEO of HBO would be walking on a cloud.

You would be wrong.

HBO exec Albrecht arrested in dispute after title bout

HBO chairman and chief executive Chris Albrecht was arrested early Sunday on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend outside the MGM Grand after a boxing match aired by his company, authorities said.

Albrecht was in Las Vegas for Saturday night's fight between Oscar De La Hoya and Floyd Mayweather Jr., held at the MGM Grand Garden and broadcast on pay-per-view by HBO.

Officers assigned to the bout reported seeing Albrecht fighting with a woman identified only as his girlfriend in the MGM Grand's valet parking lot shortly after 3 a.m., said Las Vegas Police spokesman Officer Bill Cassell.