Can I Start Drinking Now? Please?

Leaving your sobbing two-year old at daycare, when all she wants is to be with you and play, is a hella shitty way to start the day. I think I may have to eat a bunch of cheese now.

An Open Letter To The Good Life Fitness Girl

Dear Good Life Fitness Girl who sits outside the Superstore shilling memberships,

I see you watching us, judging us, casting aspersions with your eyes. I see you in your fancy jacket and too-tight black lycra, silently accusing us of being weak and laughing at our carts full of carbs. I see you.

Ye Olde School

Now this, this is kicking it old school. Like 19th century olde. Who says there aren't exciting job opportunities for english grads?

An Open Letter To Fucktards of All Political Stripes

Dear Fucktards who call me on behalf of political candidates:

For the NDP caller back in November, don't get pissy with me and insist that there will be a spring 2007 election. Fuck you and your wildly incorrect knowledge of Canadian politics.

For the Liberal caller who didn't know what the word "riding" meant. Fuck you. Don't get pissy with me when I ask you four times which riding your candidate represents and your only response is "Provincial election, October 2007". You are too fucking stupid to use a phone. And I did call your boss and told her that you are a moron. And I left my name and number, because unlike you, I am not a retarded coward. You are.

And for any PC or Conservative callers, just don't bother. Fuck off in advance.

Do you want a piece of me Green Party? Just call me on my lunch break. And have a take.


I feel much better now. I recommend this to all you.

Call Mr. Pulitzer, We Have A Winner!

Back on his game after his recent car accident, honshui clued me in to this riveting piece of investigative journalism by the Globe and Mail's crack reporter, Leah McLaren. Did you know that she goes to cool parties and that her boyfriend is an independent film maker? I know, how cool is that? Anyway, Miss Hipparina, wants all her peeps to know that talking to customer service on the phone is, like, sucky. Srsly guys. Her boyfriend, an independent film maker, spends HOURS everyday trying to get all his doo-dads and gee-gaws hooked up to teh webs, and trying to get their crazy little japanese cell phone to stop costing money. Gosh, working at home is hard work. That poor guy is wasting his life on the phone everyday! And Ted Rogers doesn't care. O.K., that last part is real.

So go and read the barely blog -worthy article. And yes, it is funny to blog about an article and call it barely blog worthy.

After that, let Leah know that her boyfriend is (pick one):
a) developmentally delayed
b) drinking all day
c) lying about being on the phone for hours
d) all of the above (you knew that was coming)

Addendum:

Lest the professional writers in the crowd (and there are at least 4 of you) think that I am being glib about your profession, disavow yourself of that notion. I think McLaren's bits are about right for a local paper, maybe the Londoner. I do not understand why she has a national audience for her blatherings. Is she really addressing a segment of the market important to the publishers? If she is, then keep her online only, where she can babble to her heart's content, without any thought of accuracy or quality. Just like Steven Levitt!

Addenda?:

From the comments section, honshui says he looks for "interesting and well thought out world views" from the Globe and Mail columnists. This is why I have a man-crush on honshui; his hope and optimism are gifts to the world. And as the sign at the church in Dunnville said, "Hope Never Disappoints". Fucking liars.

Buckets and Secrets

Some internet memes are too good to ever die. Some are so good that even their follow-ups and imitations are fantastic.

These two tributes made me laugh aloud.






In case you are confused, here is the inspiration. What can I say, I feel his joy and pain. A nice bucket is a good thing to have.

How President's Choice/Superstores Cost you Money

Here is my attempt at a "freakonomics" type analysis. My wife likes to shop at Superstore (which I think is called "president's choice" or something like that in Ontario) since food prices seem to be lower than in the regular grocery stores like Safeway and "co-op". The idea is that by driving further than necessary, standing in extremely long line-ups, paying for your grocery bags and dealing with shelves that look like they have been looted worse than a food store in new Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, you pay a lower total amount for more food than you would have bought otherwise. So that's the plan. I would estimate that on groceries we pay 10% less than if we just went to the other stores. So with one big shop per month, of $300 per monthly trip, we have saved $360 or thereabouts. Call it $500 if you want a rounder number. So what could go wrong?

Well, it turns out that plenty of things can go wrong. After filling up in the superstore, we returned to our van. the previously unoccupied parking space next to us was now filled with a stereo-typical Alberta pick up truck; 3/4 ton, huge motor, four wheel drive package so that it is elevated so that the driver can't actually see what's around them. This fine example of a driver and human being accepted the challenge of fitting their truck into a space big enough for a honda civic by using the BC Ferries approach to docking. Yessiree; approach the space on an angle; plant the corner of your bumper on the drivers side of the parked car. Press the gas until you feel pressure, then turn your steering wheel to relieve the pressure. use the full length of the parked car as your guide. So what has shopping at superstore cost me? I figure about $1000.

So when you go for bargains at costco, walmart, superstore, sam's club, whatever, just remember that besides one's self an unusually large number of idiots, assholes and morons choose to shop at these places. I have never had anything like this happen at other grocery stores but this is just one of many adventures in the big box universe.

Back to hibernating.

Mime legend Marcel Marceau dies at 84 - France Goes Into Silent Mourning

And that's all I have to say on that.