Your Video Game Dreams Have Been Answered

I know. Like you I was a twitter at the prospect of an online role playing game based on that smash hit, Dirty Dancing. And, like you, I was extremely disappointed in the result--a-worse-than-flash game that would have been shitty in 1995. And the colour pallet? Looks like the Crayola box at the end of a school year. What had once been a mighty 64 colour horn-of-plenty, was worn down (through use and theft) to a horrid collection of pinks and browns good for, well, good for colouring this game.

But hope springs eternal. Those clever suits at Paramount think that they know the franchises that will get mice a-clickin', and controllers a-wagglin', "Clueless”, “Mean Girls” and “Pretty in Pink”.

To their credit, Paramount has said that the games will be shitty and geared towards chicks. Who will evidently buy anything in Pink.

All I ask is that I be allowed to kill Ducky.

Now would someone start to work on a Road House game?

And by the way, all this casual crap? Wii's fault. Just saying.

Podcast Review: Stuff You Should Know

A short review for a short podcast. Stuff You Should Know comes from the people behind howstuffworks.com. Each short (about 5 min.) podcast covers a single topic. Topics like, "Can I fight off a shark?", "Will swallowing gum kill me?", "Why do people blush?" Short, sweet, and to the point.

Stuff You Should Know @ podcast.com

Another Freebie For the Spaceman

Turns out, pi, and the number two (2) prove the existence of god. For the true debunking, go on over to Good Math, Bad Math science blog. And if you want your brain to melt, dig into the comments. I think honshui probably knows what these guys are talking about, but for me? Well, let's just say not smart I iz.

Spaceman Gary Bell's Next Show - Already Written For Him

Here you go Spaceman, a freebie. I am sure you can take this specious bit of crap and spin it into three hours of horse hockey. The Obama Death List!

Now That's Some Fine Research Gary

Update: Read this first.

I am floored with the flu, but did spend three hours on the couch listening to the latest missive from the lying sack of crap, Gary Bell. The Spaceman!

It is a crazy show--he goes from topic to topic, from assumption to lie to further lie, all the while proclaiming that there is a deep connection to all of his blather.

I will take apart the show soon, but for, after hearing him bray about his "deep research" and keen insight, I thought I would clear up a few things for Gary that maybe he is having trouble figuring out.

Sleeping Beauty was not written by the Grimm Brothers.

There was no magic mirror in Sleeping Beauty.

The Brothers Grimm were not Jewish. Nor were they "kabbalistic Jews".

It Terry Gilliam. Not Gerry Gilam, or Tommy Gillam.

Oh yeah, Heath Ledger was not killed by Mary Kate Olsen in order to fulfill a pact with Satan.

And neither was Madeleine McCann you sick fuck.

There is something seriously wrong with you Gary. Seriously wrong.

The Perfectest Blog Post?

Maybe Sonny hasn't written the most perfect thing ever, but it sure as hell is mighty fine and deserves two or three reads.

Like A Hug From Mom

This one is for honshui and The Rev; too far away to enjoy the delights of the southwestern Ontario summers. Have a beer on us boys.

Richard Cohen Wants You Off His Grass

Richard Cohen, resident crank at the Washington Post, wants you to know that tatoos are destroying the fabric of U.S. society.

Oh yes, he also wants you to know that the lustre of tattoos fades with age. Just ask Richard's beard, hard at work disguising his "I Like Dick" tattoo. Which seemed like such a good idea back in the heady days of pre-Watergate Washington. Such are youthful indiscretions.

But full credit to Mr. Cohen. He has staked out some impressive territory when it comes to abhorrence, and misunderstanding, of tattoos. Territory that local wag, Bunny Bundle figurehead, and crank-wannabe, Bill Brady has failed to claim.

It was just last March when we brought to your attention the exploits of Mr. Brady, gripped by the fury that confounded seniors feel when they can't find their change wallet. Mr Brady leaped out of his stasis chamber in the boiler room of the Free Press building, scuttled over to his IBM Selectric, and pennned his missive. Brady tore into the inked with a delight that only those who have consumed raw lamb's blood under a full moon can fully appreciate. He mocked the young and tattooed as brainless, short sighted, devoid of rational thought (Must be liberals) and lacking artistic insight.

But Brady failed to attach national and economic consequences to this body art. He failed to grasp the straws which would hold this thought, this man if you will, together. Poor form Bill, poor form. It is not enough to mock the young and misguided. Once must attach grand importance to these, if I may coin a phrase, "ink-stained wretches". For this is not just iconography writ small on the back, but the casus beli in the war on your generation, your ideals, and your way of life. Because this, this Mr. Brady, is what is destroying our country. Richard Cohen sees it, why don't you?

Book Day For The Spaceman Fans

Update: Gary Bell fans, go here first.



Time for a book review for the Cheetohs-stained wretches who greedily consume the pablum served by Gary Bell, the Spaceman.

For today's read, we have Dark Mission: The Secret History of NASA: Richard C. Hoagland, Mike Bara

Here is the delightful review from Amazon (aren't you just a-twitter?):


"For most Americans, the word NASA suggests a squeaky-clean image of technological infallibility.

Yet the truth is that NASA was born in a lie, and has concealed the truths about its occult origins. Dark Mission documents this seemingly wild assertion.

Why is the Bush administration intent on returning to the moon as quickly as possible? What are the reasons for the current “space race” with China, Russia, even India? Remarkable images reproduced within this book provided to author Richard C. Hoagland by disaffected NASA employees provide clues why, including information about suppressed lunar discoveries.Mystical organizations quietly dominate NASA, carrying out their own secret agendas behind the scenes. This is the story of men at the very fringes of rational thought and conventional wisdom, operating at the highest levels of our country. Their policies are far more aligned with ancient religions and secret mystery schools than the facade of rational science NASA has successfully promoted to the world for almost fifty years.

Dark Mission is proof of the secret history of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the astonishing, seminal discoveries it has repeatedly suppressed for decades."



Oooh! Goody! Secret space monsters! Occult cultiness! And lunar conspiracies! What more could a slavering half-wit ask for in a book? Well, they could bother to read something from guys who can actually write.

Richard C. Hoagland...is he famous for something? Think, think, think...oh yeah. He's batshit crazy. I am sure that 5-10000 nut cases buy everyone of his books. When they can take time out from LARPing of course.

Just kidding LARPers. Hoagland fans are much more dim. But they do see themselves as holders of a special and secret knowledge, knowledge that the Forces That Control Us fear to have exposed.

And make no mistake. The Controlling Forces are...

Evil!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Everyone's favourite strong christian conservative, John Strong (don't you think that needs to be said aloud in a movie-previews-guy kind of voice?) had the cutest blog post title from a couple of years ago that I had completely forgotten about.

China - The New Red Menace

Oh sweet Sif. The new red menace? Hah! It is to be a rough day when you come off dumber than Frank Burns. Because at least Burns was aware of the Pink Stain as far back as 1950. And he was fictional. Good work Johnny.

Stephen Taylor - Cow-Handed Queere-Duke

Stephen Taylor, erstwhile Fellow at the Manning Centre, has this to say about the left and right side of Canadian politics:

"As a conservative, I have for the most part found intellectual solace in logic on issue tracks where my bleeding-heart friends usually hug the emotional left rail. The broad-arching free markets help rise more people out of poverty than knee-jerk social and emotional reaction to give hand-outs to sustain a substandard of living is but one example where cold right-wing logic is a better and more constructive end that short-sighted albeit well-meaning emotionalism. I have always believed that right-wingers act upon what they know to be true, whereas left-wingers act upon what they feel to be true."


Oh sweet vengeful Odin, am I ever sick of this ridiculous nonsense that the "lefties" feel things, whereas the good and true conservatives "know" things. Stephen. Fu...um, go to h..., no wait, piss off. How does that feel?

And any time you want to highlight those vaunted scientific chops of yours, and show us the logical, intellectual studies that demonstrate how the Reformers think, and the goddamn commies feel, well then please let us know. We'll get our crying towels ready and have some tea on the boil, just to keep us comforted during the long cold night of our discontent.

Shameless half-wit.

Wall-E Is Mean! Now Pass the Goddamn Donuts!

Pixar's animated triumph, Wall-E, has had it's share of detractors, and they seem to be singing a similar tune. The quality of the animation or the story are never in doubt, but the portrayal of the humans of the future as fat seems to be highly controversial.

From The Telegraph:

But one group is not amused - the swelling ranks of fat pride groups, who believe the film propagates anti-obesity hysteria comparable with the quest for the perfect body by the eugenics movement in Nazi Germany.

From Slate.com:

But the metaphor only works if you believe familiar myths about the overweight: They're weak-willed, indolent, and stupid. Sure enough, that's how Pixar depicts the future of humanity. The people in Wall-E drink "cupcakes-in-a-cup," they never exercise, and if they happen to fall off their hovering chairs, they thrash around like babies until a robot helps them up. They watch TV all day long and can barely read.


And my favourite, from Kyle Smith online:

The other half of the film (which is the year’s most heavily promoted release according to Variety, with a $50 million or so ad campaign) supposes that the human race of the future will become a flabby mass of peabrained idiots who are literally too fat to walk. Instead they zip around in flying wheelchairs surfing the Web, chatting on phone lines and stuffing their faces with food meant to be sucked down like milkshakes while unquestioningly taking orders from the master corporation that controls all aspects of their existence.

Talk about yer science fiction!

First of all, go and watch the film. The path the human race has taken in order to become this corpulent mass is clearly delineated. Pixar is figuratively bashing the viewer with a 2x4 that has the words "victim" etched on its side with a wood burning kit. These people aren't being blamed for being fat. We are. Not just the fat people. All people. The earth has been abandoned due to pollution, not because fashion magazines won't put a size 87 on the cover of their magazine.

Get over yourselves fatties.

Pixar is making a strident commentary, and it is a commentary on a society that allows these delightful consumer goods:


Yes. Baby's first treadmill. This is not for lazy children, it is for lazy parents. Unless you live with the threat of instant death by gunfire, or Cthulhu, if you walk outside your house, this is unnecessary.

As is this:


Yes. If you cannot be bothered to keep up with a little person on a bicycle (Oh no! She's getting away! Very, very slowly!), then this is for you. And do any of you with children think that your wee one would spend more than 23 seconds on this thing?

But how will you know if they are spending a full 23 seconds? Why with Baby's First Pedometer of course!

Because what better way to introduce your child to the world of fitness, than with a way to quantify their fun? Hey, maybe you could graph their results on a spreadsheet after a fun day of running in place and biking to nowhere.

This is the society Pixar is pulling into the light. The society where children starve in one part of the world, and need fitness bikes to counteract the overabundance of food in another. "Wall-E" is not a bleak, cynical view of life in the future. The message, once again beaten into our heads with the aforementioned 2x4, is that we can all overcome our predispositions, our directives, our programming, and get more out of life. The film literally ends with all the humans getting their fat asses out of their chairs and making something out of their lives. They were never lazy, they just did not have any options. Once the door to a better life was opened, they jumped through it. Well, waddled, but you get the idea.

Anyway, who the fuck would buy a treadmill for child? For $100 no less?

Some People Can't Go Around the Leaf

Here is the scene from A Bug's Life (1998):

[a leaf falls in front of one of the worker ants in the food line]
Worker Ant #1: I'm lost! Where's the line? It just went away. What do I do? What do I do?
Worker Ant #2: Help!
Worker Ant #3: We'll be stuck here forever!
Mr. Soil: Do not panic, do not panic. We are trained professionals. Now, stay calm. We are going around the leaf.
Worker Ant #1: Around the leaf. I-I-I don't think we can do that.
Mr. Soil: Oh, nonsense. This is nothing compared to the twig of '93.

It is not that the worker ants didn't want to go around the leaf, it is that they were incapable. They were Epsilons. The 16% of people that John Derbyshire says are incapable of learning.

These are the things you learn when a three-year old has the flu and you let her watch "A Bug's Life" 18 times in six days. I counted. Yes, I am a bad parent.