Outsource Border Security...To Fisher-Price

From revolutionary militias to missiles, the Minutemen name has been used with pride to describe those patriots who defend the U.S. and its borders from foreign invaders.

In 1776, they looked like this:




Now, years and beers later, they more resemble this fellow:




And even women have become minutemen:



Well I say enough of this wasted human effort. Let's put the power of technology to use. Not the wasted, overdone style used by those Customs douchebags in Port Huron, MI. Nope, something simpler, cheaper, and more devious is what I have in mind.


Let's use Fisher-Prince toys with touch and motion sensors.

Sure, it looks benign, but you cannot be near one of these things and not step on it. Once you do, a variety of songs, at an ear-splitting volume, emit from this ever watchful guardian. And it has a hair trigger. Step beside it--it goes off. Cough too loud--it goes off.



Now check out this bad boy, the "Rock and Play Piano". Virtually indestructible. 7 different types of instruments, and the ability to sense motion from any distance. Look at this thing the wrong way and it goes off. Plus, it will always find a way to be underfoot in the dark. Stealthy, deadly, irritating.




Lastly is this edu-house thing. Just last night I was two metres away from it when I set it off. Songs, singing, counting, birds, it just sits there and screams at you.



And best of all, they're free. This stuff is filling landfill sites as we speak. And parents across the globe want them the fuck out of their houses. The U.S. government can collect them, install solar batteries in them, and cover their southern border with them for pennies. The illegals entering the U.S. will trip on them in the dark. They will set them off. It is as sure as the sun sets and as sure as grapefruit is the greatest missile guidance system ever invented. I mean, when has the grapefruit juice not hit you in they eye? Put grapefruit in missiles and they will hit the enemy in the eye. During breakfast. Guaranteed.

Look, we're getting off track here. What I am suggesting is that this low-tech approach could solve a big waste problem, allow crazed militias to sit in their bunkers and not have to march around the desert, and would get this red and blue plastic pandemic out of my house. Seems like win-win to me.

I.U.D. - Ghetto Sperm

YouTube - I.U.D. - Ghetto Sperm

According to Vice Magazine, I.U.D. brings to mind "shades of Einstürzende Neubauten, Crash Worship, Boredoms, Pigface, Suckdog, and other classic bands that you hoped would scare your parents when you listened to them".



Nope. Don't like it. But, like the guy who made his house out of vodka bottles, I am glad they exist.

The Kind of Stupid That's Hard to Parody

Courtesy of the London Free Press online Letters to the editor, we have this delightful turd dropped into the pool of discourse, thanks to James Johnson of Melbourne Ontario.

"Anyone who reads the Free Press knows their loyalty to the liberal socialist left. They mistakenly believe this represents all their readers. Anyone with a view not representing the hard left should not be heard. This is why talk radio, the internet and Fox news, which at least shows both the left and right side of issues have become so popular."

Which is why, for so long, the editorial page featured Michael Coren, Salim Mansur, Rory Leishman, that Gooden guy, and a host of ex-conservative MPs pretending to be columnists.

What is it about Melbourne Ontario that breeds so much stupid?


Updated and moved up because Michael Coren is a sack of crap:

I apologise to Herman Gooden for lumping him in with fuckwit Michael Coren, who has decided to crap all over Trooper Karine Blais and blame her death on political correctness. Fuck you Michael Coren.

h/t to The Rev and the Galloping Beaver