2 Minute Movie Review - District 9

What a dirty movie. Literally. Literally covered in shit and blood and ooze and pus from beginning to end. Dirtier than Jabberwocky. It was like watching frog baseball played by people suffering from blood-gushing wounds while someone off-camera throw placenta and shit on them and on the camera.

The plot? Aliens are so dumb that they trade weapons for cat food. And then allow themselves to be herded, tortured, and killed by their human captors. And the weapons are in D9 with them. Rise up, kill the Nigerians, get your weapons back, and break out. Or, live in filth. Guess which one they choose.

And there is some black goo. Which doesn't really matter as they bugs have a shuttle they can use to escape. Well, two of them can. Which they do (spoilers!). And then they leave all their buddies behind.

There is supposed to be an allegory in the movie somewhere, but all I saw was a 2x4 covered in pig guts that director Neill Blomkamp tried to hit me with, using all the skill of a five-year old at his first t-ball game. Swing and miss. Jesus Christ Neill, the ball isn't even moving, do you really need a bat that big?

In short, I don't know what the fan boys were smoking when they thought this guy would be the man to direct Halo. Wait...Halo? All blood and guts, no real story, no need for allegory or complex emotional storytelling...he is perfect!

Disagree? Well then you probably agree with SavageCritic who commented on a negative review in the Baltimore Sun...

Alright, lets start this by saying that I think this is one of the best movies of all time. Period. Not just this summer, but my entire lifetime. Now lets take this step by step. The first complaint is that there is a lack of reason to the aliens presence in South Africa. This is the only somewhat valid point. However, did you question the validity of platform 9 & 3/4 when you read Harry Potter? Or why planets or races exist in any sci-fi or fantasy story, novel or movie? No. And if you did, you had a sad childhood and a poor imagination. Next You complain that Blomkamp failed to bring the varied elements of the movie to a climactic close or bring all the political aspects to head. But that wasn't the intention. This film was meant immerse you into a new, yet shamefully familiar world, and allow the audience to simply understand the messages and allegories, not have them hand fed to you. And to call all but Wicus "Stock" characters is just plain stupid. The main aliens name is Christopher Johnson, and is meant to humanize and generalize his plight. This can easily be extended to the other characters, who are more embodiments of cultural archetypes. The big bad corporate leader was supposed to be just that, and his character is further villainized through his familiar ties to Wicus. As I run out of characters let me say this, this critic has no imagination, shame on him.

That kind of logic is hard not to laugh at. He would think that District 9 is the best film of his entire lifetime, because teenagers are stupid. Which has nothing to do with my review. But it makes me laugh.

A Model Day At Disney Parks

Something cool to start your day, a tilt-shift video of the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World, from sunrise to sunset.

And no, they aren't models or miniatures. It's "tilt-shift" photography. Generally used in still photography, the folks at Disney have used the technique in a video, with fantastic results.

Wherein Sonny Gets His Wood On

Sonny Drysdale entertains with his newest post on the 'The Everything to Do With Sex Show' "returning to the Western Fair Grounds this weekend - October 2 - 4".

Some choice lines by Sonny:

"After about 33 or 35 years of marriage, there probably isn't anything about the missionary position that I don't already know."

"...me and me missus attended because it was a trade show at Western Fair. When you are middle-aged, that's what you do on the weekend."

"I sat in on a seminar on Tantric sex, but got bored after four minutes and...left."

Good stuff as always Sonny.

Awesome Covers for Bad Books

"Fields of Grace"

"With their eldest son nearly to the age when he will be drafted into military service, Reinhardt and Lillian Vogt decide to immigrate to America, the land of liberty, with their three sons and Reinhardt's adopted brother, Eli. But when tragedy strikes during the voyage, Lillian and Eli are forced into an agreement neither desires. Determined to fulfill his obligation to Reinhardt, Eli plans to see Lillian and her sons safely settled on their Kansas homestead--and he's equally determined that the boys will be reared in the Mennonite faith. What he doesn't expect is his growing affection for Lillian--and the deep desire to be part of a family."

Wow. Repressed Mennonite sexual tension. Sounds awesome. Reads worse. Which is strange, as the author has made this genre (bonnet-headed ladies forced into boring, sex-free relationships) her bailiwick. Who knew that Christian romance novels could be so boring. Other than everyone.

"The Forever Kiss"

Such a bad picture. It looks worse in person, and the paper quality is so bad you wouldn't wipe a cow's ass with it. But what of the breathy, steamy sex within? Let's allow an Amazon reviewer to encapsulate this cowboy/vampire/sex romp in a more concise fashion than I can:

"Story length: 312 pages. Sexual language: strong/erotic. Number of sex scenes: 16. Length of sex scenes: 2 short scenes (1 paragraph each) and 14 longer scenes (average length 2.4 pages with the longest scene just over 6 pages). Setting: 2003 Atlanta, New York City, and a few other places in the U.S. Copyright: 2004. Genre: erotic paranormal romance."

I like the part about "the velvet head of his shaft". A vampire with a velvet cock. One that "strained like an I-beam against his jeans". I am dumber for having read that part. But than again, it is a cowboy-vampire vs. Nazi vampire, erotic romp with a revenge tale thrown in for good measure, so it's not like anyone thinks its going to be Proust. This a book for bathtub masturbation.

As for the hip-hop literature genre, that's a post for another day.

Things That Make Me Smile

Fast forward to 4:20 in this clip from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. You'll thank me for it.

That Old Queen's Sweater is Looking Ragged

We get letters...this one from a disgusted Queen's U alum:

"I am not talking about Queen's these days. I thought they had canceled Homecoming weekends after the out of control street parties of the last five years. I read on the weekend that Homecoming did occur and the idiots were out in force. I think Queen's is going to set a Bachelors of Arson and Rioting program to give the rich kids for their despicable behavior.

Queen's appears to be full of assholes."


Time to take cold comfort in a popular Queen's song, sung at football games and probably cross-country meets.

The Old Queen's Sweater

Put on your old Queen’s sweater, the dirtier the better

And we’ll all have another case of beer (MORE BEER)

‘Cause it’s not for the knowledge that we come to this College

but to raise hell all the year

At least my friend doesn't have to live in the same town as these goofballs. Some of us aren't so lucky.

Nice of You to Give God a Second Chance

If you had been driving east on Elginfield Rd. last Sunday morning, you might have driven by the Community Bible Church. Like every church, they have a sign.

This Sunday it read:

Celebrating 30 Years of God's Faithfulness

So what did your god do to you 30 years ago, hmmm? I hope it was something salacious.