It's Thursday; Dance My Minions, Dance!

To dance is as natural to humans as it is to laugh and sing. Like singing, we deny ourselves that joy believing we aren't good enough. By categorising dance as a performance, we can excuse ourselves from participation and avoid the fear of criticism that comes with public performance. It's unfortunate, culturally and esthetically, that we put the burden of excellence on singing and dancing. This isn't something we do with other sports or activities, and a good thing too. There is a joy to be felt from moving well, even if in your own mind. While sports and exercise can provide that joy, the unbounded range of motion offered by dance is hard to match.

 I've always enjoyed and admired the easy athleticism of Gene Kelly. Does anyone doubt that he could have been a pro athlete in whatever he turned his hand (or feet) to? Here's his "newspaper dance" from "Summer Stock". It's goofy, it's fun, and Gene almost floats over the floor in the way that only the elite of any endeavour can hope to do. I get as much joy from watching this as from watching Dr. J. float through the air.  I'm just as envious too.

We all want to be Gene Kelly, and should dance with him in our minds. Sadly, the vast majority of us (not you Denise) dance like this guy. I'm not mocking his interpretive dance, I'm celebrating it. He's trying to use his body to express something, and I want to enjoy it without cynicism. I also want to applaud someone who would do this for a camera. I sure as hell never would.

Illegibility is My Private Idaho

Imagine London Is On A River, Can't Do It, Can You?

Jim Chapman's song, "London, the City of Opportunity" is going to be a rich vein of comedy and self-mockery for a long time to come.

Consider the first verse:

"Imagine a city where the river runs through it"

Imagine indeed. Have you ever seen a city so completely ignore the fact that it is built on the forks of a good-sized river? Anyone who as been to Saskatoon, or Chicago, or even Mitchell, Ontario, can see how a city can use a river to its benefit, esthetically and commercially. Here in London we pollute it, then set up a big sprinkler to make it pretty, let it run dry because we can't afford proper parts for the dam, and then just block it from view.

Take a look at Oxford St. West (just past the Hunt Club). This bridge passes over a particularly pretty section of the Thames River. You'd never know unless you are walking, biking, or in your 24' UHaul, haulin' ass outta Dodge for somewhere better. The other side of the road is just as funny as it has a decorative rail, then a walking path, and then the ugly concrete barrier to keep you from seeing the river. I think the concrete barrier is sort of a anti-suicide Maginot Line. They know that nobody walks and only happy rich people bike, so the barrier keeps the rest of us from driving off the edge in a fit of desperation. Regardless, this ugly grey scar is a failure of design, esthetics, and imagination.

London is the city of opportunity.

I'm going to die in this fucking town, aren't I? When exactly did I become Walter Donovan?

Jesus Indoctrinates, Yes I Know, For the Lego Told Me So

You worry about your children. You worry that they aren't getting a chance to express their authentic experience of God. Luckily, there are solutions for people who want their children's play to be a little less secular.

Godly Play

Godly Play is based upon the recognition that children have an innate sense of the presence of God. Godly Play provides children with a language to help them identify and express their spirituality so it can be explored and strengthened. The Godly Play approach uses story, play, ritual, and creativity to enhance the child's authentic experience of God so it can contribute to the spiritual life of the child and assist the child in making meaning in the world.

Oh sweet fuck-a-doodle. Here, take a gander at the indoctrination training video.

 I like that they are going to teach all the stories of the Old Testament. I can't wait to see the play figures they use to explain away the slavery, the genocide, the infanticide, the incest, and all the other horrors.

I am a little surprised by the bald language. To speak of "an authentic experience with god" is dancing awfully close the batshit crazy line. They are promoting the idea that your child will be able to contact, and have a relationship with, an ultra-powerful, supernatural being. That's fucking moronic. Just tell people it's a good learning tool and kids get bored being lectured to. It's O.K. to use the Bible as a heavily, heavily edited guide to morality. Did I say heavily edited? You don't have to have them believe in ghosts and the boogey-man in order to be a member of your church and tithe till it hurts.

My one hope is that Godly Play will show a bit of courage and embrace the canonical story of The Book of Tobit. It is part of the Septuagint (the Greek language version of the Old Testament) and we know how hung up christianists get on old timey values. This one is old, old timey.


"The young Tobias is a man who has just been on an adventure to collect some money owed to his father. Along the way he is aided by the archangel Raphael and battles a giant fish. When he returns from his adventures, Raphael suggests he court a young lady named Sarah. She seems like a nice young lady until one learns she's had seven husbands already!
Tobias is not discouraged, however, for Sarah is yet a virgin. It seems Sarah is cursed by a demon that mysteriously appears whenever her newly-wed husband attempts to deflower her. This demon, Asmodeus, kills the husband and leaves Sarah a virgin widow yet again.
Turns out the one thing that can scare Asmodeus away is a really awful smell. A smell exactly like the burning liver of a giant fish. So Tobias marries Sarah and, before attempting to take Sarah in a manly fashion, smokes the demon out of her and has his lovely wife. A happy ending to a tale of vaginal possession."


Here's my idea for a quick playset for the story of Tobit that you can put together with stuff from around the house.

First, you need Tobit, and Tobias. Just use a farm-boy Luke action figure. Pretend the lightsaber is a shepherd's crook or something.







For Raphael, just grab the Warren Worthington III figure off your shelf, or out of the box int the garage. Any version will do, but Archangel a bit too on the nose, don't you think?

 For Sarah, you can't go wrong with any version of Leia. Maybe slave-girl Leia fits the story better, but that's pandering. All right, let's pander a little.









Those sardines you were going to give to your father-in-law at Christmas? Crack 'em and let the smell of burnt fish liver and heart drive away the demon of  boring old play time.

For Asmodeus, any old D&D figure, Cobra Commander, or Darth Vader Lego will do.

Of course, you'll need a vagina, since that is the point of the entire story. The demon Asmodeus kills any man who dares go near Sarah's vagina. Kills seven of them in fact. As a bonus, you can point out the location of the clitoris and the g-spot in case the blessed little buggers find an enchanted vagina of their own one day. Unlike God, the clitoris is real, and you can have a wonderful and authentic experience with it.